Love: Reasons (Part 2)

"What?"

"What did she change them from, and what did she change them to?"

"From friendship rules to dating rules."

"But that's not exactly what she said, is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You quoted her as asking something like, 'What do you call what we've been doing?' So she thinks you're the one who's trying to change the rules."

"But I never said we were dating!"

"But weren't you?"

"Don't I have to think it's a date for it to be a date?"

"Do you have to think a car is a car for it to be a car?"

"This isn't like that."

"Mark, when two people of opposite sex enjoy a social activity, it's called a date."

"But it wasn't romantic."

"Not all dates are romantic, but any date is potentially romantic. That's why steady dating produces expectations, especially among girls. Life is short. Why should they waste their time dating guys who aren't serious?"

"We were never romantic."

"She thought you were."

"Yeah, well, I guess that's true."

"And are you so sure that it makes no difference to you that Molly is a girl? Would you worry like that if some guy wouldn't return your calls?"

"But she didn't say we were dating either. Not before. Once someone asked if we were dating, and she answered before I even had a chance. She just laughed and said, 'Oh, no, we're just friends.' See? She did change the rules on me."

I sighed. "Mark, these days neither girls nor guys seem to want to admit that their dates are dates. But they have different reasons for not wanting to, and those reasons kick in on different occasions."

"What do you call the reasons? Start with girls."

"I'm not sure, but I think one common reason girls today don't call dates dates is that guys today think 'date' means 'sex.' The idea of dating as courtship has almost disappeared."

"I don't pressure girls for sex."

"Does she know that?"

"She ought to. She knows I'm a Christian."

"I'm sure she knows that sexual intercourse outside of marriage is contrary to Christian principles. But a lot of so-called Christian guys do pressure girls for sex. How does she know that you won't?"

"I haven't pressured her yet, have I?"

"But you say you aren't dating, remember?"

"Oh. Well, yeah."

"She might think that one reason you haven't pressured her for sex is that up to now she's gone along with the myth that you aren't dating."

"Maybe," he admitted.

"There's another reason."

"What is it?"

"Often girls these days don't call dates dates because guys these days are so afraid of commitment. You won't say that one doesn't apply to you."

Mark shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"You see, the girl may feel that the only way the guy will ever court her is if he doesn't have to admit that it's courtship."

"All right, I see your point. What do you say are the guy reasons?"

"We've already covered the first one," I said. "Girls are right — guys these days are afraid of commitment. It's part of their fear of growing up. And there's another reason. Fear of failure."

"Fear of failure?"

"If you're 'just friends' and she says no to pizza, it's no big deal. But if you ask her on a pizza date and she says no, it's humiliating. To relieve the pressure, guys don't call dates dates. That's related to another girl reason. Most girls don't want to humiliate guys, so if the guy doesn't call it a date, they go along with him."

"Stop. You're bringing back memories of junior high school."

"That's just it. Some guys never quite get past that stage."

"Are there any other guy reasons?"

"There's one more, but we've covered that one too."

"We have?"

"Sure. You mentioned it yourself."

"When?"

"Right at the beginning of the conversation. You said that the rules of relationships have changed and that you can't even tell 'who's on first' any more."

"It's true."

"Of course it is. Pressure for sex, fear of commitment, fear of failure — all those things have changed the rules of relationships. Add to those things the feeling that men and women are adversaries, and things look pretty grim. No wonder guys aren't willing to call dates dates. They don't know what they might be getting into."

"Right!"

"The problem is that not calling dates dates doesn't work either."

"Why not?"

"Think of your dinner with Molly."

"Oh." Mark thought a moment. "So does anything work? What are the moves of courtship?"

To be continue... (Stay tuned for more!)

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